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This page is part of a monologue. Relax, no need to read: it may not be useful for some.

Let’s get to the point. It’s probably better I socialise “less” than more.

A fundamental issue with my reluctance in socialising is to do with how my mind works, and this is also cultural. Well, much of this could be psychological (or psychiatrical). When in a group of people, I often have no particular inkling on the subject matter. Linked to that, I have nothing of value to say – or nothing to say. Whether in formal setting, or in groups of acquaintance.

The flip side is that even if I have my own opinions, not saying, or being sidelined by others, is not my concern. In that sense, I don’t have particular “urge” to voice out my own position.

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Is socialising the same as “conversing”? This is probably over-complicating things. But in simple terms, being with a group of people and not converse is probably very odd; you might as well not be there. Unless it is a silent party, we converse in sign, or we are meditation gurus exercising our gifts in meditation.

Another thing is that I don’t handle different opinions that well. This needs a bit of explaining: I don’t mean it in a harsh way, to me or to others. I think I fear argument, but note as above, I don’t feel I need to champion any particular topic or perspective. I don’t know which one comes first: fear of argument, or passion for a perspective.

PicDon’t get me wrong, over time, I have improved (or changed) in this respect. I have trained myself (nurture) to quickly gain a focus on what is being discussed, form an opinion, and formulate thoughts in my mind in order to express it. Taking on a slightly analytical approach, I have also been able to engage in “debates” on options and contribute, lead or even have made decision for the teams and projects. At the core of who I am, I resort to myself. I guess the perceived emptiness that is me and no one else is my comfort of a steady ship with me in thought and ideas-wandering.

This leads to the realisation that my inclincation, behaviour and habits are not “socially orientated”, rather, “me orientated”. Perhaps this is about selfishness; I can’t and prefer not to say much about that since my words about this would hammer in the fact I am selfish, only another person can judge.

It could well be the environment, and its changes, I grew up in, and my personality, that I am who I am today. But there is no way to determine what are contributing reasons; there is no way to experiment by isolating a habit or behaviour and go back in time, several times, to see results. What is crucial is that my own condition does not lead me to some destructive situation; I was ignorant of my personality, or more correctly, ignorant of my personality in relation to socialising. PicLater I realise this “situation” (condition, perceived problem etc.) and took steps to do something about it. It’s up to others to determine to what extent and in manner I have changed. Those involved in my teacher training days would rather not hear from me again, that such a person is likely to change “a little”. I quickly realise that a central concern is I must be “comfortable in my own skin”. I cannot “live entirely for others”. A lot of my days is spent on pondering to what extent I want to be “out there” socialising, and to what extent when my “being with myself” for extended periods becomes a concern for others.

Fascinating it might be to put this in to words and to describe this in some logical manner. Tell me, yeah, this could be symptoms of autism. Whether it is or not, it’s a secondary point. More to the point, in my case, is I believe I am so much a product of time and place. I have not been described as lazy; however, for friends who have been described that way, I often think back whether there are neurological (or even sensory) conditions that prevented their “educational attainment” when a high degree of this is development of power of memory, aligned with culture.

Much of this has been in my “mind” for decades, and I am glad I have now “written it down”. I have no problem being considered a lonely, or “unsociable”, person. A problem that seems to float out there comes in the disguise of a task or job where there is strong implication to the point of having said it in words that “for this piece of work, you need to get out there, mix in with what people are doing, and then you will be able to proceed.” The problem is, I do agree – and this “agreeing” is the first problem I have, described at the start. So, we are back to the start having gone round the circle: some who have “concern” or “interest” in me would prefer, or at least see the potential gain, if I would socialise more. I would agree to the idea, but there is a danger that an action does not necessarily lead to a result, when the action is on a different person (me).

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There, we hit the topic of “individuals”. All in all, this is the centre of what I am talking about. I think fundamentally we are individuals (of course), and those who are much more sociable tend to be those who could and want to live some of their private lives “out there” within the group. This is something I am working on. However, I am comfortable where I am.