With a rare arrangement for a second practice school, I tried to start anew. Having arranged lodging in two families, I began this part and initially the subject teachers appeared to be more able to guide me. In the third week, the same problem recurred, the subject teachers were working almost independently of the college, and the support I got from my college was largely for me to discover ways of working myself.
A one-sided account, I’m sure those involved have different views. Having to walk away from the course was extremely painful. But to continue even a minute felt like committing myself to somebody’s scheme of doom.
Sometimes it felt like they had what they thought as wisdom to let me discover the result they wanted for me which was going to be “for my good.” It’s not a logic they would like reversed, so today I hold out a wish they would not continue thinking so. None of the players had meant ill for me. They had acted in the way they thought they ought to guide a teacher apprentice.
New opportunities arose months later after making extremely difficult to end the course. A change of career direction. And some years later, I studied for a postgraduate Master of Education which I passed, along with professional certification Fellow of the Higher Education Academy. These are not the same as school-level teaching. But you can see these might well be fitting achievements after the PGCE.
The point though is not what better things happened after the PGCE. The months during which I struggled in schools, knowing the college did not understand nor want to know, was painful.
I did not know how to show my cry for help, or anger.
My assurance is that I did not need to share this to anyone because God is with me all the way. I felt a lot of pain and anger, and his mercy and compassion lifted me through that period. I would not say walking away was the best decision, but given the situation I was in then, I could not do anything else. Any action or decision would make things worse.
It’s one thing to say I have learned something from that period of my life. However, I don’t want that brushed off from history, whatever other people’s views and interpretation. Despite dead ends everyday, I knew God understood my situation and I did not go crazy, because Jesus had been in far worse situation and he answered back when he chose to. His compassion, very real, kept me sane, human, and through that period.
